I haven't been up here in awhile. Between everything I have going on right now I just don't ever seem to find the time to get up here. When I get moved out of here things will be better and I will have more time to do the things that I want to do.

I had a conference with Hanna's teacher yesterday. It went pretty well. Hanna isn't doing really good right now but the year is not over and we still have time. I just have to get her ready for the EOGs. Her teacher gave me a lot of good ideas of how I can get Hanna back on track.

I have quit my job at the furniture store. My last day is the 5th. The hours just were not working out. I warked a bunch of nights. I am going back to Subway. The boss lady there promises that she will not put me on the schedule for nights Monday - Thursday. That will good for Hanna. I can be there for her a little more like I need to be. She will do better in school if I am at home with her every night to help.

I have also decided to go back to school. I can't wait but I kinda have to. I am going to wait till I move out of here. I just can't do it while I live here. This house is just to dang stressful.

Well, that is that. I will try and keep better in touch. Love you all!

Here we are again in another day. I have to work from 11AM to 8PM today and I am not looking forward to it. Those hours just make for a really long day. I have a decent job and all and I like it but I am just really tired of working at night. I should be home at night with my daughter. It is hard to trust someone else to get her homework done, get her fed, ready for bed and all that good stuff. Not to mention she doesn't get into bed early enough because I always want her to wait up for me so I can see her. My sis keeps her for me when I am at work so I know she is being well cared for and all but it still is not the same. As a single mom I have to work, this I know, but if I could just find a Monday through Friday 9-5 I would be so happy. Then I could have more time with my sweetie. I mean, I graduated with a degree in Office Systems in 2005 and still can't find a decent job. What is the point in a degree if I still can't get a decent job. I mean, I guess since I am in an office now instead of flipping hamburgers somewhere I should be happy but shouldn't my Hanna come first? It is just hard. I will keep looking. Well, I need to quit complaining now and remember the good things. Like the fact that I am blessed with a job and a daughter, two things that many people wish they had and never will. I need to just put a smile on my face, get my butt in the shower, and thank God for all the many ways He has blessed me. Well, that is all for now. I love you all! ~Dawn

I am back. I won't be up here as much because I am dial up now so it is sooooo much slower but at least I am back. Things are going good for me right now. I am still working at the furniture store and still living at home. I am still on the waiting list for the apartment so hopefully that will come through soon. I am totally wanting to get up out of here. I also got me a new man. His name is Lester and I love him to death. He isn't exactly the type of guy that I usually would date (or that I should be dating...LOL) but he is good to me in everyway and I am enjoying myself. Over all life is good. I got up to go to church just to realize that I didn't set the time forward so I didn't make it. This is the third week that I have missed so I know the church just thinks I have forgotten about them. I went ahead and got up and emailed my Sunday school teacher so she wouldn't worry. Anyway, I have to get off here and get ready for work (I hate working on Sundays) so I will talk to everyone later. Love you all! ~Dawn

Hey guys. My internet is down so I haven't been getting up here. I will get my internet up soon and I will be back then. Love you all!!!!

Be Blessed,
~Dawn

Hello everyone. I went and applied for an income based apartment. There are 11 people ahead of me so it will be awhile before I get in but it will be worth the wait. I can't wait till Hanna and I have a place of our own. I am so excited!!!!

Just another reason to move up out of here. My sis wakes up in the morning and lights a cigarette. I can’t stand it. It stinks so badly. I mean, I am already sick to my stomach. It just makes it worse. I used to smoke so I am really not trying to be a whiney baby but I haven’t smoked in over a year so I don’t want to smell it first thing in the AM. It just really sucks. I mean, here I am, living with my sis, her kids, my daughter, and my parents. I am going to lose my mind. I going today to apply for some income based apartments. This stress is killing me and so is all the smoke in this house. It can’t be good for me or my daughter and when I don’t feel good it just makes me want to throw up. Anyway, I am going to go ahead and apply for the apartment and then I will also send my stuff in for HUD. Which ever I get first I am using. I gotta get out of here.

Well, my sis moved in with us. We have a full house now. Myself, my daughter, my sis, her two kids, and my mom and step dad when they are home. Wow, it is a very very full house. It is crazy. I am so glad that she decided to move in with us. She really needed to get out of the situation she was in. She is still on the methadone clinic but at least she is getting her life back together. She is coming to church with me tomorrow so that is a good thing. Of course, I didn't think about that when Hanna's dad asked to go. They don't really get along. Oh well, I will just call Chris and tell him he can't come. That is mean I suppose, but I really just don't want to be around Hanna's father. He is the only person that can really make me angry. I guess it is because he really thinks that he tries to do the best for Hanna when really he is just a loser. I know it is mean to call any person a loser but he hasn't done anything for us. As matter of fact, he is on his way to rehab AGAIN next week. I mean, how many times can people go to get "help". It is just an excuse he uses. I can hear his voice now..."I am really going to get help this time. It am sick of living like this. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired". It is the same thing over and over and he hurts Hanna everytime. I can't stand it. If he doesn't stay sober this time Hanna and I are just going to move away cause I can't watch her go through it another time. It just isn't fair to her. She is only 6 years old and has seen so much more than any person should have had to, especially someone her age. Anyway, back to my sis. She is doing really good. I just really hope that she keeps it up. Please everyone, her name is Lauren, keep her in your prayers. I started school this week. I actually started two weeks late so I am already two weeks behind. Wish me luck, I have a lot of catching up to do. Well, that is about it for now. I am going to get back to my studies and then get in bed. Love you all! Be Blessed!!!!! ~Dawn

You are a Believer

You believe in God and your chosen religion. Whether you're Christian, Muslim, Jewish, or Hindu.. Your convictions are strong and unwavering. You think your religion is the one true way, for everyone.

God in the one and only reason we live. Be Blessed, ~Dawn

Here I am on my day off typing away a t this computer. I guess I had better enjoy it while I can, having free time that is, because I will be starting school very soon. Actually, I have to call and get my schedule on Tuesday. Classes actually already started, I am enrolling late. I really can’t wait to get started. I have had a pretty long break so it is time to get back at it. Today I am going to email Pamlico and Mt. Olive my transcript requests for SCU and fill out my application online today. For those of you that don’t know, I have been going to Mt. Olive but have decided to go to a school that has an online program. With my work schedule and Hanna it will just be easier to not have to go to a classroom every week. Not to mention Mt. Olive was an accelerated program and this will be a program at a normal pace. I think it will be much better for me.

Tax time is almost here. I am finally going to get my new tat. I will get a pic of it up here as soon as I get it done. It is going to be a cross and around it will say, “My Father Understands” and flying around the cross will be a dragon fly for my best friend that passed away in May. She loved dragon flies. I really hate the things, she used to pick on me because I am so scared of them. Kind of ironic that I am going to have something that I am afraid of tattooed on my arm….LOL. It is all good. It is all for Joanna and the faith in God I have. I know that one day I will see her and dragon fly obsessed butt in Heaven.

I am going to go with one of my good friends this weekend to the tattoo parlor and have it drawn. I know what I want but definitely can’t draw it myself. I am artistically illiterate. I will just leave the drawing up to someone else. Then, when I get my check I am going to get it done. I am also going out with my friend the day we get our tats. I am sort of wondering what we are going to do. I know she wants to go to a club or something and I just really don’t see myself at any bar. I don’t really want to do anything that people could look down on. I mean, I am not worried really what people think about me but at the same time I live for God, people know that, and many look to me and don’t need to see me in a bar. I just don’t know how to tell my friend that we can’t go anywhere like that. I will tell her we can get something to eat, go bowling, go to a movie, but no bars. She isn’t going to like that because I know she has never really partied that much and wants to experience it. I have done it all and know now that it just really isn’t all it is cracked up to be. It only causes pain, pain that my God has healed and I don’t want to go there again. Just don’t really know how to tell her.

Well, that is it from Dawn’s world. If anyone has any suggestions about what two single Christian women can do for a night on the town let me know (well, I guess I should say one Christian woman and her close friend that she is working on and praying for). It gets pretty boring just going to movies all the time…LOL. Love you all!

Be Blessed,
~Dawn

Well, I woke up in thought this morning. The first thing I did was start my devotions and every time a do my devotions I am called to talk less and pray more. God has pointed out to me on so many different occasions that I need to learn to keep my mouth shut. I gossip too much (not as much as I used to) and it has to stop. I don’t talk about people the way I used to but I still do much talking that is unnecessary. Today I am going to make a conscience effort to think before every single thing I say. I am blessed that I have friends that I can tell absolutely everything to but I really don’t think that means that I have to tell them absolutely everything. I mean, some things are just better off left unsaid. A good example of this is how much I talk about my sister to my best friend. My friend already doesn’t like her and she hasn’t even met her. It is because I run my mouth to much. Of course, I don’t think she would have liked her anyway but that is beside the point. I believes that decision should be left up to her after meeting her but now, because of my big mouth, that will never happen. That is just one example. I also really have to watch myself at work because so many people talk about the other people they work with. Wow, it is crazy. I mean everyone smiles to everyone’s faces and then talks relentlessly behind each others backs. I hate to think what they may be saying behind my back. It is scary I tell you.

I also woke up thinking about my wedding, or what would have been my wedding. I was supposed to get married today and be on my way to FL for a seven day cruise tomorrow. Well, obviously neither happened. I called them both off. I have struggled with the question, “What if I did the wrong thing?” ever since I broke it off. Well, I now know I didn’t. I mean, as I sit her and think about what my wedding and life with my ex would have been like I know that it is not what I wanted. Even the wedding plans were starting to fall apart because we couldn’t agree on anything. I mean, he wanted himself and the groomsmen to all wear zoot suits for crying out loud. We couldn’t agree on colors and it was starting to feel like the only reason he was marrying me was to get me back in bed. I do know that he really loved me but our lives are just totally different. I mean, he is in a heavy metal band. I know I wouldn’t be able to deal with that. That is not what God wants for me. It is still crazy when we think of all the many different paths our lives could have taken had we walked down certain roads. We just can’t look back. God has a plan for all of our futures and He will use us if we let Him. I intend on letting Him.

Love you all!
~Dawn

Well, tomorrow I would have been getting married if I hadn’t called it off. It is just crazy to think that I would have been getting married tomorrow. Now I have a beautiful wedding dress and tiara in my room for no reason. What was I thinking? Getting married? Me? But now I really do want to get married. I guess I always have wanted to get married just haven’t found the right person. I have probably been engaged more times than most people have dated but this last one came closer than most. I am not dating anyone right now. I figure I better had just get my life straight and figure out what I want before I do anything else drastic. I have a good job and I am about to start school again so those are two things I am definitely going to do. Other than that I am just going to worry about mine and Hanna’s life. I don’t think I need anyone else in the mix. Actually, this is the first time that I stayed single long enough to realize that I don’t need anyone (also the first time I really feel that God is with me all the time, that helps). I can be content on my own. Seriously, I have been single for about 6 months. I have never even been single for six days. This is a real accomplishment for me believe it or not.

Well, January is just a strange month for me. My best friend’s birthday is just around the corner. January 22nd Joanna would have been 34 but instead she is in heaven. I mean, I know she is in a better place but I still miss her so much. She meant so much to me. The other night I dreamt about her all night. I would wake up and fall back asleep just to dream about her some more. It was crazy. I suppose things like that happen when you miss someone so much.

Today was a pretty good day. We had to get all the year end stuff done at work…a lot of packing up files and moving stuff around. It was easy, just time consuming. I am glad it is almost finished. I tried to get some furniture today but was denied financing. Go figure. Such is life I suppose. It is all good though. I will just get what I need when I get my tax return. That is probably what I should do anyway. I really don’t need to worry about another bill.

Well, that is it for now. I gotta get off her, get off my butt, and clean this house up. Love you all!!!

~Dawn

I just found out that I am getting a raise, a dollar an hour. I guess with minimum wage going up the owner figured we should all get a dollar. It works for me. I really needed it. As matter of fact...I have prayed and prayed for it so PRAISE THE LORD!!!!

I was supposed to go on a retreat this weekend with my class but I didn't have a sitter but then after I told everyone I wasn't going to go I found a sitter. But I still am not going to go. I suppose, once I get something in my head it is exactly what I am going to do. Not to mention I have a paper due this weekend that I haven't done yet. And here I am about to start back up in school full time and can't even handle my one little class. I have really got to get some discipline in my life. I wonder if it has anything to do with my A.D.D. Does anyone else up here have Adult A.D.D.? Just curious cause I really need some insight on what in the world to do about my mind running wild all the time.

Speaking of my mind running wild you should see this house. I am sooooo going to get off this computer and clean up. I get so busy with my week...work, Hanna, school....that I just totally forget about the house.

Hanna went with my sis to SC today. They had to take their kids to visit with their grandma and I didn't have another sitter Hanna had to go all the way there and back. I felt bad for her, having to do all the riding but she didn't seem to mind. I am so blessed. I mean, I really do have the best kid in the entire world. She is so well behaved and so mature and so understanding. I am just so glad that the Lord blessed me as He did.

Well, enough about my life.....I will journal again soon. Love you all!

~Dawn

Well, here I am, up at 7am for really no apparent reason. I know what I need to be doing. I need to be getting my stuff finished for the paper that is due this weekend. It is due on the retreat that I am going on with my school. A retreat…what is a retreat anyway. I have to be honest, I would rather just stay home this weekend but such is life. I can’t imagine what we will be doing and I am going to be missing work to be doing it. I really need my hours at work more than I need any retreat, but who knows, maybe I will have a good time. We will see. I do know this…there is going to be another paper due at the end of the retreat and school is also getting ready to start again. I took quite a little break from school and it was nice. Here I am about to start again and I have to admit, I am not sure if I am ready but I had better get that way cause it is starting ready or not. I really do what to go to school but I just feel like I don’t have the time I need to do so. I mean, I suppose I don’t have anymore going on in my life than anyone else but for some reason it sure feels like it. It is a struggle for me to get homework done, of course it doesn’t help that I procrastinate so much. That is one thing I can’t do this semester because I have a lot of classes. You know me, trying to get it done quickly. I mean really, I did the same things at Pamlico. Just take a lot and get it done. I just want to be done with it all. Of course, this school is nothing like Pamlico. Pamlico was a cake walk. It was the easiest school around. I mean, I think my cat could have graduated from there. Now I am in a school that really takes some work. At least I will know that I can be proud of myself when I finish. Everything I have done up till this point has just left me sort of empty feeling ; I don’t feel like I really accomplished anything. It is also good to know that I am doing what I am doing for the Lord and I am following this path because I have been called to. That makes things a little easier, knowing that. It gives me a reason to keep in truckin’ through even when I feel like quitting.

I didn’t think I was going got be able to go to the retreat because I just didn’t have the money. I ran into Martha on New Year’s Day at Wal-Mart and she has offered to pay the rest for me. I just about broke down in tears in the middle of Wal-Mart (I have got to get my emotions under wraps…LOL). It was just so sweet of her to do that. I mean, God really hears and answers our prayers. Recently I have seen my prayers answered on many occasions. It is amazing. Fist I needed money for Hanna’s Christmas presents and I prayed to the Lord. A few day later a check came from my dad for one hundred and twenty five dollars. My dad never gives that much at Christmas. That was God’s work. Then I prayed because I didn’t have a winter coat and Dawn’s mom gave me one I can wear with my jeans and what not and my boss gave me a nice one I can wear with the nicer work clothes or church clothes. Then of course there is the money that Martha will be paying for me. It is just amazing. I have a bunch more but I would typing all morning if I listed them all. It is just great what God is doing for me.

I think I am going to start looking for another job. I really don’t make enough money at the job I have. I love the job I have and I love the people I am working for and with but I just don’t make enough. I have got a newspaper and I think I am going to send some resumes out today. I am just going to put it in God’s hand. I mean, I know He will take care of me if I stay where I am and I want to stay were I am if that is what God wants me to do but I know that life would just be easier if I got a different job. Then again, school is coming up and I will need my time to do my school work and with this job I have lots of spare time to get school work done. I just am not sure what to do. This is why I am going to send out a few resumes and then leave it in God’s hands. I know that when I just give it to God it all works out in the end.

Well, I guess I had better get off here and get some work done. That really is the only reason I got out of bed so early. Enjoy the New Year.

~Dawn

Well, I just got back from taking my sis to the Methadone Clinic. We talk almost every morning that I take her about one thing or another and this morning I asked her how long had she been sober after she got back from detox a year and a half ago. She said she was only sober for 14 days. Wow, is all I can say. That just proves that a person can truly pull the wool over my eyes. I mean, I am not sure if it was obvious that she was still on pills all this time or if I just wanted to believe that she was clean. I mean, when you love a person you want to believe that they are doing right and being honest but it isn’t always the case. In finding this out it makes me think that instead of thinking the best about a person you should think the worst. Expect the worst and hope for the best. I mean, I used to live by that motto and now I can see why. It does save us from a lot of pain but really, is it the right way to live. I mean, do we all want to live just hoping for the worst all the time. What kind of existence is that? But, on the other hand, do we want to get blind sighted every time we turn around. I mean, my sister has been babysitting for me this whole time and the whole time she has been on drugs. Does this mean that I shouldn’t believe her now when she tells me something? Do I need to find a sitter or day care for Hanna so I don’t have to worry about it? How do I get rid of all the resentment. I could pray but I just don’t believe that it will help. I am in a bad spot right now but really this is where I just have to keep an honest heart. As long as we keep honest hearts for God then I believe it can and will be okay. I mean, I believe that God understands why it is so hard for me to believe it times like this and that is exactly what I will pray about.

Father God, please help me with my unbelief. I don’t feel like I am ready to trust after finding out such news but I know that it will only cause problems in my life if I go on feeling this way. Father, you have the power to move mountains and change lives. I know that you can take my lack of faith and turn it around. Lord, help me to understand my sister and have faith in her once again and how ever many more times in necessary. Help me to see that just because I don’t understand something doesn’t mean that you aren’t working. Thank you for my many blessings and please bless my sister the same. In Jesus’ name I pray. ~Amen

Well, here I am again...sitting around the house doing nothing. Today was my day off and I got nothing accomplished (I slept most of the day). I have church tomorrow and I didn’t do my Bible study for Sunday school at all this week. Oh well, I am going anyway. I need to go. I think that I may switch Sunday school classes thought but I will see how it goes in the one that I am in first. The class I am in is very small and even though it is a class for single moms I don’t really seem to be able to relate to the ladies in there. But, as I said…I will give it time and see first. It my feelings don’t change then I will start in a different class. That church is huge so there are a million classes to choose from. Hanna is vacuuming her room. We have a new chore list which is going really well. She wants to start getting an allowance and I told her that she would have to do chores to earn an allowance. So far she has been doing really well. She is getting all her chores done and doing them well…not just flying through them like I though she would. My sis seems to be doing better. She is in the methadone clinic which I don’t really agree with but it is better than getting drugs off the street. I am not real sure about her husband though. I know they both want to do well. I am just keeping them in my prayers. I don’t know what else to do. Neither seem to understand what it is going to take for them to have the life that they want. It mean, it is hard work, it just doesn’t happen over night. I went out with my friend Kimmy last night. She has a daughter a year older than Hanna. We took them to see a Night at the Museum and then we went to books a million. We had a really good time and the movie was great. It was so funny. I didn’t have any business going to the movie, being as broke as I am, but I just really wanted to so I went for it. I am going with my father tomorrow after work to CiCis pizza. He wants my sis to go also but I am not sure if she will or not. They are talking again but I don’t know how good it is going. I know my sister’s husband isn’t going to approve. I hope my sis doesn’t make any decisions because of that. My sister’s husband doesn’t really seem to have a very understanding heart but as I said, all I can do is pray for them both. Well, that is enough for now. I will be back to write more soon. Love you all who are reading! May God bless you all!

~Dawn

Well, I am just in here for a quick minute since it is like 1AM and I should be in bed. I just wanted to go ahead and post a quick entry since I signed up and all. I may write more in here, we will see what the time allows. Love.

~Dawn